I would kill myself

to feel that alive

You betrayed yourself, You betrayed us all

Your a fucking fake. I have never felt so much contempt towards anyones lifestyle and choices. I hope you fucking die. Kill yourself or just get the fuck out of my life. Your a fucking disgrace to the human race and I hate you. Get bent you whore.

Your love was a lie..

Right when I get ahead in life you pull me back down to where I started. Stop fucking with me, it hurts more and more each time. I warned you to stop and you just fucking wont. I don't know how people can be so heartless and love ruining people's self esteem. Get out of my life if you aren't going to stay in it for more then a week.

"All my life i've been dealing with the pain,
of trying to figure out all the rules to your game of love.
i can't break the emotional grasp that you have on my world,
how long will this last?
is it to have and to hold, or to abuse and control?
you can't make up your mind,
so why do i waste my time?
you broke my heart for the last time.
i trusted you, but now i can't confide,
because your love is a lie!
you keep walking in and out of my life,
manipulating me with your false promises and lies.
i won't let you play the victim this time,
cause now i know the truth and im' leaving you behind!
and for what it's worth, i wish it was you that was hurt.
you won't get my sympathy,
cause now you're nothing to me.
you broke my heart for the last time.
i trusted you, but now i can't confide,
because your love is a lie!"

Love is a Lie-Cut The Shit

a society characterized by human misery, as squalor, oppression, disease, and overcrowding.

My body still clings to life
Only my spirit has died inside.
(so I pray)
I pray for death every night
But I keep waking up alive
I cut myself for infliction
And I still spit at my reflection
I hate everything I am
I have my friends to think for that

So I keep taking my meds
And I do what my doctor says.
I hate myself more everyday.
I guess I'll always be this way

I've learned that love is dead
And that people just get fucked instead
And all the while making friends
Just to fuck them in the end

Everyone I touch infects me
Cancer in flesh there is death all around
Everyone I touch, I infect them
Black and dead is my heart

Alone, I'm not good when I'm alone
I pace and tear at my skin and my hair
Burn myself for some relief
For a sick fucking joke of a life
The punchline is when I die
And come back as me for eternity
Just to fuck up everyday?
And fail the ones that I love by being alive

I don't know who I am anymore
A parasite in human disguise?
Searching for a piece of shit with all of you maggots and flies

Everyday I feel that I just cant do anything right
I'm sorry if you know my name
I probably fuck your life, goodbye

Good for nothing

Thats my name and I am sticking to it. I have been fucked with countless times by people. Never as bad as this girl though. She just keeps breaking my heart every chance she gets. I never met anyone that gets so much pleasure out of hurting people. Though no matter what she does I will always take her back. She is my poison. She is the only thing that ever made me happy. I guess I put myself in this situation but I can't help but love her. I am a schmuck. I am hate. I am apathetic.

Ripped away

Fuck relationships. They always get fucked up all they are is a pain the ass. No one is ever serious about them it's just some stage in there life nobody cares about. Life is too short to rely on someone else. You don't need them, they don't need you. It's a waste of time. Fuck you.

This whole EMT thing

Seems to be working out. I am learning a lot, I think. If I can stck through this I may have a shot at living a happy life.




Maybe.

I have this burning in my guts

that tells me to live alone for the rest of my life.

911, whats your emergency?

abrokenheart.

Resolution

We walk in circles. We love in circles. We talk in circles. We live in circles.
i can't live like this. i can't live like this. i can't keep living
this. i can't keep living this again. we're always moving on, always
moving back. back to the same place. so familiar, but it isn't home...
just where we come to forget. how many times can you write the same
song in a different way? how many times can you live the same life
on a different day? nobody lives in circles, they just forget. they
just survive. we live in circles, the same people with different
faces. we sing the same songs in different keys. we love in circles,
a little less with every turn. I've never loved like that before,
and i don't think i will again. and it's coming back again, it's
ending where it started. and I'd give everything to do it all again.
you never love like that again (the first time), and the longer that
you live, the less you feel alive. and we don't die for anything
anymore. I'd kill to feel like that again, but I'm never going to
feel like that again. so move on, hold on, or fucking fake it. either
way, we're losing. either way I'm losing. remember when this was
everything? in a way, it still is. i want to feel that way again.
but you don't feel in circles, you just live. you just fall. I'll
find it again, in a different place. in a different time, with a
different face. I'll keep moving, because I've got to keep moving.
just take whatever's left. my heart is dry. this is my last breath.
this used to be everything. i gave everything.

4th of july, Independence day?

I woke up today realizing how much I hate 4th of July. Last year about this time, if i remember correctly, I was at Trader Joe's buying couscous and preparing for a heavy night of drinking with friends. We were throwing the party for a couple different reasons. 4th of July (eh-not really), Angela's birthday (No one liked her), and my going away party (Reno here I come). Thinking back on it. That was the last day I can really say "I'm not an adult". I hate growing up and I hate my living situation as a grown up.




So fuck you, 4th of July, I hope I never live through another one.

Summer is here,

Hot days, warm nights, and cold hearts. Since the beginning of summer I have lost a fiance, Gained a job, lost a job, started school, met someone new, and made a couple of good friends. My now ex-fiance keeps fucking with me for no reason at all. I really don't understand why. It makes my life ever more unbearable. Working at Safeway kept my mind off of her but I started doing drugs again. Ecstasy started to become a problem and I started smoking weed on a regular basis. I don't mind the smoking weed part too much because it helps me sleep but the harder stuff I did like coke I always knew was a bad idea but I couldn't help myself because I thought about how good it made me feel. I fucked up Safeway though, but in the end it was worth it. I met ashley at BFD and I had a pretty good time connecting with someone new and gaining a good friend. I start EMS school on July 7th so im pretty excited to do that and start a career as an EMT-Basic and eventually work with CDF or ODF. I want to do something with my life where people will remember my name. I don't want to be just another crook or just make it by. I want a life not an existence. I met this really nice girl. Though she is a little younger then me I think she is hellof pretty. I don't know if i am going to pursue it or not but I guess I will see where it goes.